So ultimately, you know your truth.
You may not like to listen to your truth but you certainly know it.
And the reasons why we don’t wish to listen is because of our fear; fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection, fear, fear, fear…
In my early 20′s I was an extremely independent and head strong young woman. I was in a long-term relationship (4 years; that was long-term at 24!) with a great, caring guy who was my best friend, but I wanted to travel and wanted to do it alone!
I packed my bags and headed to Asia. I travelled through Indonesia, Thailand and Nepal before landing in England with a four year visa.
Whilst in Thailand, I met an English guy who was nice and who seemed to like me. The feeling was mutual. So when I landed in England I gave him a call and we struck up a relationship straight away. Soon after, I went to live with him and his flat mates. Things went well for a while, I was still independent and I would travel and sightsee London on my own and I began my interest in the health food industry and alternative health.
Things within the relationship started to change over time and although he was attentive and would fill my ego with words I wished to hear, there was also some very dark days. This man started to physically and emotionally abuse me.
I was shocked and in denial at first; I didn’t ever think that it was real.
But it continued throughout the relationship.
The one thing that confused me the most was that there was no punching involved. Well actually, there was one time that he punched my leg – totally unacceptable I know, but my head was saying ‘it was only my leg’. I was so confused as to whether or not I was being abused and I knew it didn’t feel right. It seemed childish and somehow like school yard bullying.
At the time, all the advertising and TV shows portrayed abused women with bruises, black eyes or broken bones. My case was not like that at all. There was obvious threats, pushing, shoving, kicking, a few times when he put his hands around my throat for a second or two, water being poured over me in bed and one morning I was woken up by being repeatedly hit heavily over the head with a pillow. If we were out with friends and I had said something he didn’t like or if he felt I was embarrassing him, he would squeeze my hand hard until it hurt in order to let me know he was unhappy with me. There were also other things, but no ‘beatings.’
And it was this subtleness (sometimes it wasn’t that subtle) that had me confused and questioning what was truly happening. When I was in the middle of the mess that I was in, I actually wished that he would punch me in the face ( I even called his bluff on a few occassions and asked him to)… crazy I know… at the time I felt that if he hit me like that, it would have been blatant as to what was occurring; that it was abuse. At the time I craved for mainstream media, articles and the community to show me that the occurrences that was happening was domestic violence.
The slow manipulation that occurred was quite amazing in hindsight. I had become so self-conscious that I no longer had the confidence to make a phone call to organise things. I felt like I was unable to drive a car without his guidance. I felt that if only I didn’t do x, y, z then it wouldn’t happen again as I was usually to blame for his outburts. Not to mention that there was so much emphasis on me not to tell anyone as I would then break the loyalty between us…go figure?
I felt alone and confused.
So this was what it was like for me within the ‘relationship’. At work I could be myself – I was in my element, I was strong, learning loads about alternative health and finding a new passion that fuelled my interest. But behind closed doors was very different.
There was also the shame. Even now I can still feel the shame at times. Domestic violence is rarely spoken about in the greater community because in some way you do feel like you are to blame or that you are responsible. I allowed someone to take my power away from me and although I am in no way responsible for how he chose to conduct himself, I did feel responsible and ashamed. In all the years we were together, I was in denial. The abuse was a foreign concept to me and I felt that he couldn’t really believe in what he was doing. Surely he didn’t mean it?!
At the time that this was occurring I did find the courage to open up and tell two people about what was going on. One person was his best mate on a boozy night out – I wasn’t really sure whether he remembers though, as nothing else was said or mentioned. The other person was our female flatmate, who we were living with at the end of the relationship. I opened up to her as a cry for help with the hope that by telling another female, she might help pull me out of the mess I was in. Unfortunately, this woman took it upon herself to completely ignore me and retracted from me for the rest of the time I lived there.
It was at this time I thought I was going completely crazy. Really crazy. I was swirling and confused…
The two people I was living with – my boyfriend and my female flatmate – were treating me like there was something wrong with me, to a point where I was treated as an outcast. I was still being physically threatened and at that stage we had moved back to Australia and I was trying to reconnect with family and old friends.
The one thing that saved me – which had been constant throughout the whole time of this messy period of my life – was my truth, my inner knowing. Over the years and during this time, my Higher Self was talking to me. It was so strong that sometimes it kept me up at night…sometimes it would be so loud that I couldn’t sleep, repeatedly telling me that I was strong, independent and that what was happening was wrong.
After five years of hearing these messages whilst also being told otherwise by another person, I was confused. What I was hearing externally did not match what I was hearing internally.
I had not been listening to my truth purely due to fear; fear of being rejected, fear of change, fear of isolation, fear of loneliness, and I guess more than anything, fear of not being accepted for who I was. It’s funny, the fear that had stopped me from getting out of the relationship was actually the same fear occurring to me within the relationship. I was rejected from being myself, I had changed, I was isolated and lonely and I definitely was not being accepted for who I truly was.
What I learnt during this time was that our Higher Self’s are always re-enforcing our truth. It doesn’t matter how many times our free will may push it away or squash it down, it will find a way to urge us to change and follow your truth. I eventually left that relationship, it took me a while to sever those hooks from him but I did it. I made friends with my Higher Self again and started to listen. I listened so hard that it soon led me and pushed me toward my energetic healing diploma course, ultimately giving me the confidence to change my life.
I am so thankful and grateful that my Higher Self was so persistent over five years to urge me to follow my truth. If I did not listen, I may not be here right now with my two beautiful boys and a partner who I can be so comfortable with following my truth whilst he follows his. I am also grateful and thankful that I had the courage to listen; for my Higher Self has brought me to heal myself of this situation.
I received so much feedback regarding this article that I wrote a follow up post >> ‘And there is more Change and Expansion.’
much Love and Light
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